Here Is This Thing I Wrote

Here is this thing I wrote.  I hope you read it.

Of course you will.

People need the things I write. If I didn’t write this thing, nobody else would have written it – at least, not the way I wrote it. I think. I can’t be sure of that, mind you – there are an awful lot of people writing an awful lot of things lately.

But that’s the whole problem, don’t you see? If I didn’t write this thing, then none of my fans could have READ this thing. Without me writing this thing, my clients and friends wouldn’t be able to behold my brilliance or bask in the glow of my razor-sharp wit or revel in my bold prose and uncompromising opinions.

Simply put – they’d have nothing to read. Well, nothing of mine, of course. That’s the point. Without me, there’d be nobody to put my spin on it. And it’s my spin that makes this important, isn’t it? It’s my voice that’s important here. Nobody else says it quite like me.

More importantly, if nobody is reading what I am writing (or not writing – now there’s a metaphysical head trip for you), then I’m not building my personal brand. And personal brand is everything to those in the know.

So I wrote this thing. For them. Of course, that’s not the whole story. I had other reasons to write this thing too.

It all started when I wrote that other thing. A lot of people really liked it. It caught me by surprise, to be honest. Of course, nobody really knew who I was back then. So I wrote that other thing – I spent hours on it. I hunched over my desk and boiled my eyeballs in the glow of my monitor, I added visuals and spell checked and included a few graphs too.

And then I hit “Submit”. And I waited. And I waited. And I stared at the “Real Time Analytics”.

And every single time somebody new came through, it was like a miniature orgasm. A surge of euphoria – approval! I’d never known this feeling before. People were reading me.  Then somebody tweeted it. Somebody important. And that more or less changed everything. Double digits in my analytics. Traffic – that sweet elixir, that nectar of the gods. People were reading it and tweeting it and I got comments too – real comments. And when I checked on my Twitter feed, my follower count was booming. 10 people. 20 people. 50 people.

My heart was beating so fast. Whenever my boss left the room, I’d click back over into analytics and my cheeks would rush red and my fingers would dance across the keys responding to everything, EVERYTHING, EVERYONE MUST BE RESPONDED TO and I got hardly any work done but it was the best day on the job I’ve ever had.

I was hooked. So I wrote this thing.

Of course, it’s also important that I wrote this thing because, well, content marketing. I really don’t need to say more than that (few do, actually) but I think you’ll probably understand me when I say that the importance of me writing this thing has a transcendental purpose – I am, through my writing, demonstrating to the world that I am a grand master of the content arts; I eat my own dog food, I practice what I preach.

I really, really get that it’s all about relationships.

I tweet my friends’ stuff. They tweet mine. Sometimes, we don’t even read it before we tweet it. That’s how strong our relationships are – and that, ladies and gentlemen, is what content marketing is all about. Building that network that’s so strong that people will share your content without even reading it or having the slightest inkling as to whether or not it’s useful – it’s great content solely because it came from YOU.

So you see, I’ve got to write – regularly.

It might not be my best work. And to be honest, I didn’t spend as much time on it as I would have liked – but I’m a busy guy and I didn’t want to fall behind on my content schedule – because two days from now I’m publishing a tell-all opinion piece that will showcase my transparency and vulnerability.I’ve already announced that it’s coming on Twitter and if it doesn’t everyone will be disappointed. I can’t let them down – not my listeners. My audience that I’ve worked so hard to foster. This incredible web personality I’ve built on the foundations of great content.

If I’ve got time, I might do a bit of client work – though I’m sure they’ll understand if they get their reports a bit late. I’m really writing this for their own good. Yeah – leading by example here. This is the new era, this is the future, this is the way forward and I’m right on the bleeding edge.

So, world: here is this thing I wrote.

It’s very important that you read it.


Well, sort of.


5 Responses to “Here Is This Thing I Wrote”

  1. Sean says:

    I wish I’d thought of this.

  2. So. What did you write about? Please tell me. I’m at the edge of my office chair awaiting you to drop this bomb on me.

  3. Chris says:

    Please respond to this comment on your bosses time.

  4. Neal says:

    He’s a miniature orgasm for you. This thing you wrote here was even better than the 4th thing you wrote. Can’t wait for the next thing you write!

  5. The Onion has found its newest writer! :)

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