My Open Letter to Direct Energy, Whose Refunding Policy Is Ridiculous

(The following e-mail was sent to Direct Energy’s community manager (@DirectEnergy), Trish after she responded to my complaint on Twitter regarding an erroneous payment I made to the tune of almost $1,000.)

Hello Trish,

(…) Let’s make this entertaining for the both of us. I’m sure you get enough irate mail as-is given your company’s odd practice of withholding money from people for exorbitantly long periods of time.

It was a bright and shiny morning. I awoke in my new home (which I had just purchased short months before) under the budding branches of an apple tree. All was well with the world.

I flipped open my laptop and decided that since I was in such good spirits I ought to completely ruin my own day by paying my bills. Off I went to my bank’s website where I nearly vomited upon the discovery of my large credit card bill; understandable since I had just renovated the entire inside of my home and had spent my hard earned dubloons on some luxury-grade paint so my guests could admire the lavish walls of what I have dubbed, “The Dudeplex”.

Seriously Trish, if you could come over and see the place you’d probably understand.

What happened next is the stuff of horror stories! If there are children in your office, Trish, you ought to send them out if you’re reading this out loud. I don’t want to scar them emotionally.

With ONE FALSE CLICK, I made an erroneous payment to Direct Energy to the tune of $966.32 from my bank account. I was trying to pay that incredibly painful VISA bill, but alas, in my haste to be financially wise (I always pay down my VISA immediately as per the lessons from my strict accountant mother) I accidentally paid it to Direct Energy. Woops!

At this point, I imagine Direct Energy’s staff cried out, “HOORAY! A FREE LOAN!” and patted each other on the back while smoking cigars and wearing fine coats of Lemur fur.

Having realized my mistake later in the week, I sprung into action and dialed your customer service centre with the fury of 10,000 suns. Aside from the slight melting of the screen on my telephone (thanks to my furious thumb-dialing), I was helped by someone who said that yes, they got my payment, and yes, a check should arrive to me within two weeks. That was awhile to wait, but since that would bring the check to me before the month was out (when I pay my equally vomit-inducing mortgage payments), I thought it’d be okay. Annoying that it took 5 seconds to take my money and 2 weeks to return it, but alright.

I’ve now waited much, much longer than 2 weeks. My patience was like that of a family dog waiting for his playmates to return to the house, but alas, all my tail wagging and panting has been greeted with nothing but disappointment.

In other words, nothing has come to me and now the month is about to roll over. Now Trish, I’m sure you can respect that $966.32 is a lot of money (even moreso than $966.31, but who is counting?) and as such I’m pretty upset that it hasn’t been returned to me. Direct Energy has been sitting pretty on my money, probably buying themselves incredible things like inflatable pool toys and bean bag chairs. Well Trish, I want those bean bag chairs for MYSELF, and I’ll be damned if I let Direct Energy splash in the sun outside their enormous oil-money mansions on my dime.

So I called your centre again today and all I was told was that it was “Processed” on the 22. That is 20 DAYS from the time the payment was made, which is completely absurd. I don’t know if you fired all of your check-issuers or mailroom clerks, but that’s a wait time I was certainly not anticipating. Heck, I get my mail out within 7 days, and that even requires a long, ardurous walk to my neighbourhood mailing box. I have to pass an old man who has no teeth and takes great pleasure in spraying me with his garden hose and cackling maniacally. This often ruins my mail.

No matter.

The point is, I want this money YESTERDAY. I have bills to pay and waiting another 2 weeks for this check to arrive is out of the question. Despite my jovial tone, I’m pretty upset to the point I wouldn’t even consider being a Direct Energy customer again unless serious changes were made to your refunding policies.

My account number is XXXXXXXXXXXX. I’d love to be refunded faster and I know, Trish, you’d love for me to stop being so snarky on Twitter. So let’s make both of our lives easier and see if we can’t push what I imagine is just a great big “Angry Customer Refund” button sitting in Direct Energy HQ.
All the best,
Joel,
The Best Looking Man In The World (According to the internet)
http://bestlookingmanintheworld.com

4 Responses to “My Open Letter to Direct Energy, Whose Refunding Policy Is Ridiculous”

  1. Cory says:

    Brilliant!

  2. Alessio says:

    You write this thing in the exact way I’d write fucked up situations like this.

    Really enjoy the reading.

  3. Gaz Copeland says:

    Fantastic man, I don’t know how you can be so creative over such a simple refund request but I love it.

    I hope on your last trip to the mailbox you were sending a book over to the UK…

    Gaz

  4. Jord says:

    Fantastic letter. Well done haha good reeading

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