Penguin 2.0: Breaking The News to Clients
Everyone’s favourite algorithm update is back and better than ever!
Matt Cutts sparked a frenzy in SEO spheres last week when he announced they were close to rolling out the sequel to last year’s infamous update that crushed dreams and gave spam it’s first real kick in the prunes. It made a devil out of anchor text and turned the SEO faithful from the darkness into the light of “content marketing” (read: guest post links)
Rumour has it that this next one’s a real doozy. If you’re honest, you might not have been playing as nice as your company blog insists.
In preparation for the massive reckoning about to befall you, I’ve prepared some template e-mails you can send to clients that should get you completely off the hook! I’ve categorized them by the type of excuse you’d like to employ:
Negative SEO Attack
Would you believe it? While we were off doing pure, white hat SEO, some unscrupulous shysters came along and built thousands of directory links with the anchor text of all the terms we were going for! We didn’t catch it until now because we were so busy creating great content and building relationships, but rest assured, we will track down whoever’s responsible and make them pay for this. It’s just another reason the _______ niche has gotten so competitive lately.
“The last SEO guys you hired were total scam artists..”
…. as it would turn out, the SEO’s you hired back in ______ are completely to blame for your site being impacted by this update. While we’ve focused on unadulterated quality from day one, those last guys rode in on a dark horse, spammed your site to death with forum profile links and galloped off into the sunset with your money. We certainly had nothing to do with this (please don’t go back and read any of the reports we’ve sent you, they’re completely irrelevant now), but we look forward to being the helping hand that pulls you out of the enormous field of manure you’ve found yourself in. Thank God you switched when you did!
Blame the Intern
… while working on a completely separate internal project, our hapless intern accidentally used YOUR URL in a Xrumer blast instead of the intended website. We can assure you that this totally non-fictional intern has been terminated effective immediately as we work to clean up the mess he inadvertently caused. Please know that we’ve updated our training manual and hiring documents to add an extra emphasis to “attention to detail” so this never happens again.
The Bait N’ Switch
We regret to inform you that your site was heavily impacted by the most recent Penguin update. Visibility has been completely lost for all targeted phrases including your brand name; traffic has dropped by nearly 85%. The cause appears to have been the unnatural link profile accumulated on your behalf over the past several years.
We also regret to inform you that WiseClick SEO has officially ceased operations and declared bankruptcy. We apologize for the inconvenience we’re sure this has caused you.
Fortunately, we’re excited to announce WiseClick Content Marketing, an exciting new venture entirely focused on the creation and curation of awesome, share-worthy content! Our prices begin at…
The “Southern States” Approach
Client, now is the time to act! It appears that Google has been hacked by capitalism-hating commie socialists, determined to destroy the American way of life, take away your guns and rob you of your constitutional liberties. The only way to thwart this great evil is to stand together and invest in this great nation through pay-per-click ads…
Take the Money & Run
…by the time you read this, “Bob Krandal the SEO” will be no more. Do not try to contact me. I’ve changed my name, sold off all of my possessions and travelled to a new sunset far away from here where I plan to frolic in the waves with shapely local women and drink Shirley Temples. I’m sorry for the way this played out. I still believe somewhere deep inside of me that I’m a good person, I never meant for it to end like this..
Listen, you bunch of half-wits! We mentioned the phrase “content marketing” like FIVE TIMES in our e-mails and reports to you. That you can’t understand a good thing when you read it isn’t our problem. Really, the only people you have to blame for this are yourselves. We wanted to do great work, but you just didn’t let us. Well, behold the fruits of your ignorance!
Fire Up The Smoke & Mirrors (Lie!)
Nothing is wrong and everything is great! See the below screenshot of your current rankings and traffic. Boy, you sure are dominating those search results – number one, same as always! Attached is your invoice.
Be Honest (Not Recommended)
Surprise! We’re dickheads!