The Costco review too hot for Yelp to handle..

I originally posted this on Yelp – a place where I’m an “Elite” member and have contributed over 100 reviews¬†- most of which should make you laugh at least once. If you read some of the other reviews there, you’ve got everything from people complaining that the shopping carts are “too big and heavy” to people complaining that they showed up on a Saturday and had to wait in line. You’ve also got this gem of a woman who complains about “crusty sample givers” who weren’t fired after asking her son not to take another yogurt sample.¬†

Given that these people seem to be incredibly entitled and at times downright ridiculous, I decided to write a review in response that shone a bit of light on the magnificence that is Costco. Yelp promptly removed it, citing that it’s against their rules to “address a dispute with other reviewers”

Well, I thought that was stupid. So I republished it here, and Yelp can suck it. Without further ado, here’s my original review:

“…Costco Kicks Ass & You’re All A Bunch of Whiners.”

Dear everyone who reviewed this except for me:

Please enlighten me: what on earth do you expect from Costco? Some of you must be out of your freakin’ minds.

Before I go any further, let’s review what Costco is, shall we?
A gigantic warehouse that sells everything in massive quantities and bulk. NOBODY in their right mind is coming to Costco to buy one or two items – you don’t come here for a single pack of blueberries and to soak in the scenery with a latte. No, you come to Costco to bring home enough toilet paper to keep the entire American Armed Forces clean and smiling for the next fifty years – and you should expect to compete with hundreds of other bargain shoppers all on a similar mission. You come here to throw elbows on your way to get the freshest two-pack of salmon, and heaven help anyone who tries to stop you.

This is the front lines of excessive shopping; this is where things get REAL. It’s a concrete jungle of good deals, huge packages and unrelenting adrenaline. It’s such a war zone that they had to put in little old ladies with sample trays just to keep people from mercilessly killing each other in the mad dash for an entire pallet’s worth of Vitamin D pills.

If Costco’s shopping carts are big and heavy, it’s because they’re used to haul a metric ton of Dove Soap and bags of raw broccoli across the inevitable 3km journey you’ll make winding through the warehouse. If they had tiny, dainty shopping carts like you find at your local Co-op, people would need three of them to cart around their crap. They’re the dumptrucks of the shopping cart world because that’s exactly what people need them to be. You can’t exactly take home 60 pounds of pineapples in an average sized shopping cart or the wheels would explode and the cage would collapse.

My advice to you, complaining lady, is to get used to it and rejoice in the fact that pushing your shopping cart around Costco is helping you get a killer forearm workout.

I suggest you all do as I and my room mate do: Divide and conquer. One person holds the cart, piloting it like a highly trained pro, dodging oblivious shoppers and precariously placed sales tables like Luke Skywalker navigating the trenches of the Death Star. The OTHER goes out and furiously nabs up the items you need from those hard-to-reach areas with the precision and vigour of a deal finding octopus.

Secondly – an express aisle?! For what, 200 items or less? If you’re coming here because you want a quick in/out shopping experience, you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake. I can’t even begin to help you. The fact is that in exchange for Costco’s excellent pricing, you should EXPECT to wait in line.

If you don’t, the problem is YOU, not Costco.

Thirdly – if you go on a Saturday afternoon and you’re somehow shocked and annoyed that there are line ups, then allow me to pause for a moment and play the world’s tiniest violin for you. This is like getting upset that you went to Disneyland on the hottest day of the year and had to wait in line for Splash Mountain.Well, SURPRISE! People go shopping on Saturday. Lots of them. Write a complaint letter to the soul of humanity – or just stay home.

Fourthly, nobody is going to fire a good employee just because they told your son not to take another yogurt sample. If you’d expect them to get canned just because they yelled at your precious little wonder, you’re probably the kind of parent who wraps their newborn in bubble wrap and complains to the school board when somebody else’s kid uses a “sharp metal ruler” without rounded edges. Consider the fact that Costco employees dish out thousands of samples to disgruntled, entitled people all day. Should they have yelled? No. Should they get fired for doing so? With all due respect, that you would wish for somebody to lose their livelihood over a trivial thirty second encounter speaks more ill of you than them.

Lastly, if Costco put in some change rooms there’d be no room for their giant stacks of fresh baked muffins. Sorry world, muffins beat change rooms any day of the week.

The major highlight that redeems any and all wrongs this place might have is that there are $2 meals consisting of giant spicy hot dogs and a pop – the perfect victory lap for an afternoon spent rustling up the next month’s groceries. And yes, you’ll still have to park your bigass grocery cart while you eat it, and people might have to walk around it.

And that’s A-OK.

In conclusion, Costco kicks ass and you’re all a bunch of whiners.

(Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this, there’s a few other reviews you’ll probably get a kick out of! Oh – and you can also hire me, I do freelance copywriting for people who want content that isn’t the literary equivalent of paint drying.)

9 Responses to “The Costco review too hot for Yelp to handle..”

  1. ktw5555Lightkeeper says:

    I enjoyed this immensely. THANK YOU!!! lol…;-}

  2. June Macon says:

    This was an awesome read. Yelp should have published it…they are missing out on TRUTH, man.

  3. Jason Brown says:

    Remind me not to cross you ever. “dish out thousands of samples to disgruntled, entitled people all day” Had me in stitches. I love your wit. Thank you for publishing it so we could all enjoy the laugh. Can we get a follow up review on yelp too?

    • Joel says:

      Cheers, Jason! Yelp… To be honest, their local presence is actually quite wonderful (their community manager here is a great lady who throws awesome parties). I’m not in love with their policies (I think they’re missing the point), but I can see why they exist (to keep Yelp from devolving into YouTube comments). Still… I’ll be giving you some more to laugh at soon, of equal or greater hilarity or your $$$$ back!

  4. David says:

    I’ll hire you!
    Great bit, mate.

  5. Nat says:

    Big Fan of your Yelp presence!

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